Journal Entry | My Problem

This was a digital journal entry I made during 6th form (A levels) 5 and a half years ago (wow, am I that OLD…?) The entry was saved as “My Problem”. I have rewritten it here exactly as I have rediscovered it on my old laptop computer:

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I have a serious problem. It’s not an addiction to drugs or sex. It’s not a multiple-personality disorder. I’m not cutting myself. Regardless, to me, it’s just as dangerous. I have a procrastination problem.

“Is that all you’re worked up about?”

Yes. Yes, it is. This thing is destroying my life. It hasn’t yet but I have a feeling it’s going to cause me a whole lot of trouble in the near future.

I can’t do my assignments when I should. Actually, it’s not my home work, really. I actually do my home work within the same hour it was received, sometimes the very night. My real problem comes with the assignments I don’t like, or find boring, or think are hard. I tell myself I have until whenever to do them. I put it off, and I put it off, saying, “I’ll do that tomorrow” but ‘tomorrow’ never comes. I find myself in a rush to do it the night before. Sometimes, it’s so bad that I put off my work until the very day of its deadline. I tell myself I need to stop, or should I say start? I need to start doing something, but I just can’t seem to do the bulk of the work before the time of desperation.

Why am I like this? Is every student like this? No, I don’t think so. Is it me? Yes, I think so. Can I change? I don’t even know. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME! This thing has brought me to tears.

You know how I know I have a problem? SBA’s. I hate the very word (or acronym or whatever). Yes, School Based Assessments, IA’s (Internal Assessments). They’re horrid! Aren’t they? I try to tell myself not to look at them like they’re some dreaded segment of school-life with the sole purpose of confusing you and dragging your grades down to the dust. I try to tell myself, “Relax, take it step by step, it’s not that hard.” I try to tell myself, “Once you get started it’s smooth sailing from there.” I even tell myself, “START THE FREAKIN’ THING, IT’S JUST A REGULAR ASSIGNMENT… that has more research to it, and writing, and contributes significantly to your grade, and if you don’t do it you’re a dead woman! ‘DEAD’ I TELL YOU! YOU’LL HAVE NO FUTURE, AND ALL YOUR DREAMS WILL BE CRUSHED! YOU’LL NEVER BECOME WHAT YOU WANT TO BE IN LIFE AND IT’LL HAUNT YOU FOREVER! FOREVEEEEEEERRR!”….. *pant pant*

That’s how it turns out. Instead of being compelled to do the IA, instead of considering it’s importance and putting my all into it, I put NOTHING! It’s as if I get depressed every time I think about IA’s. I just curl up in a ball even more and try to block it out of my mind, wishing that suddenly, CAPE would just issue an infallible decree that cancels the need for students to do IA’s. I would just wish that I’d get more time even, although I know I’d probably just waste that time too. Besides the devil himself, Internal Assessments, to me, are the most evil things that ever existed in this world.

I have an IA to do right now. It’s 8:05pm, January 13, 2013 and the exposition section of my Communication Studies IA is due tomorrow. I have to write it and memorise it in order to do an oral presentation. I haven’t done anything. I know I have a problem. Please don’t judge me. I’m simply trying to do anything that will make me feel better, anything that will motivate me to just do the stinkin’ thing. I’m doing what I do best to give me courage – I’m writing. I’m ranting here because I’m sick. I’m sick with procrastination and sick of procrastination and I don’t know what else to do. It seems I can’t stop but I must have the ability to. I must because I just have to. I can’t ruin my academic life because of some stupid research-related long-term assignment.

I will do this IA. I will do it tonight. If not, it will be done before the time that it is impossible to prolong it anymore. Not only that, I will stop procrastinating. I will ask God (again) to help me manage my time better and to just simply do the work that I need to do before I’m too desperate and frantic and panicking and rushing and sad and nervous.

*exhales powerfully*

It’s either I will, or I will. There’s no other option for a student like me.

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· 13/01/2013 ·

Current Commentary:

I did manage to get the work done. I survived! Even so…

I actually didn’t overcome my procrastination issue. It plagued me during university too. My concern with it, along with other challenges, affected me to the point of depression. (If you’d like me to write more about that in a future post, comment below.)

I think it’s fascinating to read for the first time in 5 years where my mind was when I was in lower 6th form. I’m pretty sure now that it wasn’t as serious as I thought – the assignments that is – but I sure felt that way. I also felt in my heart that procrastination would be the end of me, aaaand the current me doesn’t entirely disagree. Now, I think it’s just going to bite me in the arse… hard. My life won’t be over if I don’t kick the habit, but that bite sure is sharp. And it’s not like I have been gifted with an abundance of butt to sacrifice to the consequences of procrastination, anyways. *rolls eyes* Why can’t I just get a grip?

I’d like to say I’ve improved… but falling victim to it even once more, since the last time I swore never to do it again, is such an unpleasant experience for me that I don’t know if I’ll be satisfied with my improvement regarding this issue until I’ve completely overcome it.

Thanks for reading guys 🙂 If you found this post interesting, relatable, entertaining or anything at all, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment. ¡Adiós!

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© 2018 Sihle Atkinson – All Rights Reserved

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Raquel says:

    Sihle, on so many levels I truly could empathize with you. Except only, with my motherhood. I loved this. Opening up and letting us see you bare moment of you and with you. Love you girly. From Texas…

    Bianca

    Like

    1. Hi Bianca! ❤

      Wow, I was not expecting for it to be relatable in a manner such as this. I’m glad you commented. It reminds me how much we all have our struggles and stories to tell. And that our battles aren’t very different at the root of it all. I’m pleased to share this with you all (easier to say 5 years after the particular situation I guess, lol).

      Like

  2. Jahi says:

    I can relate to this so much, Sihle. You get to the stage where you’re thinking “If this is a personality thing then how do I get rid of it? You can’t just get rid of a part of your personality…Can you?”

    I think we just need to find a workaround. I’ve been trying adopt Nike’s tagline ‘Just do it.’ Lol.

    Like

    1. Exactlyyyy, Jahi! I’ve been struggling with this for I don’t know how long. I think it just got worse and more noticeable as academic life began to challenge me and then kept the challenges coming.

      Yeah! I know that certain personality types are more inclined to procrastinate until the very last minute, even to the point of extreme stress (me). But this doesn’t mean we can’t curb our bad habits. We’re in charge of our own behaviour, despite our predispositions. It’s a matter of having to labour to teach ourselves self-discipline and self-accountability, whereas that may come more naturally to others. You can do it! Really! I’ve done it, and it is satisfying. I just need to be consistent.

      Like

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